I stood at the front of the room, the tightly shaped horseshoe layout offering little chance to move in any meaningful or structured way. In my open palm lies a slide controller, the slender and shiny black plastic glowing with the green hue of the power light. I sighed quietly, staring down at an old friend with whom I had longed to see but was terrified to engage. Two years since presenting literally anything and now here I was now presenting in the most unlikely of scenarios—my mock Academy of Management-style research presentation in front of advisors and a doctoral cohort. My doctoral cohort.

I can easily discount the situation; it’s one presentation in a years-to-go doctoral program around a research question that I have been honing since August that will no doubt change again before the week is out. Don’t get attached to this outcome, it’s a stepping stone, a touchpoint on the grand journey of the program. I’ve presented to larger audiences with higher stakes. It’s like riding a bike.

All the rationalization I do in those seconds holding that controller doesn’t shut down the stage instincts: the butterflies and second guesses and the don’t-forget-that-reference. That instant pang of panic centers me, I stand up a little taller.

10-12 minutes, stick to the pace, I know my research, I know the method, I’ll be fine. Deep breath, first person up, title slide up, eyes up. Smile and quick step forward, let’s do this.

***

This was the last residence of the first semester. The cold of the Cleveland winter couldn’t dampen the rising heat from simmering stress. Work commitments crowded seemingly every person’s schedule, class breaks turned into walking conference calls and rapid corner typing as the weight of organizations wanting to enter a winter slumber pressed into full view.

Class deliverables offer little respite from the corporate landscape; the AoM style presentation, followed by an ICT comparison presentation, and a host of documents to finish writing and to deliver. Advisors and reviewer’s edits piled up in inboxes, an endless document version soup to resolve and clarify.

Yet as presentations flowed and papers traded hands, the seemingly chaotic landscapes and schedules began to dissipate. Talk of holiday plans with friends and family filtered into conversations between planning reading lists for over the holidays. There was levity, relief, and a general feeling that what seemed so incredibly insurmountable at the start—drafting the pieces of an empirical qualitative research paper—was completed in its initial form.

Sure, that form is going to change as the new year starts and as the research frame and question are further honed. It’s a draft of a draft, and while I like some of the logic and writing, I have no delusions about where I am in this process. This is made explicit by literally every professor, advisor, and editor you speak to. To paraphrase one such conversation, “she’s going to make you rewrite at least half that literature review.”

While earlier-version Justin might have balked at the idea—or despaired for that matter—in a short time, the program has given me a solid foundation of skills to keep moving forward and to syntopically make connections and comparisons that I otherwise would have no doubt missed. What started as heavy and terrifying feedback sessions have steadily become something I look forward to, the conversations around concepts and possible literature streams to follow, and subsequent creativity and editing the ensues.

I would be hard pressed to say I’ve got this all figured out. I do however feel that I have more tools in my toolbox and continue to improve on my use of them. The support of everyone in the program has been more than I expected. My cohort is an amazing group of people and the relatively small size in comparison to other cohorts—just eight people at the time of this writing—everyone is pulling together and for each other. Their feedback throughout this first semester, in the classroom and on video calls, has been invaluable. It’s been a great pleasure to work with them.

While we’re apart over the holidays, we’re due back on campus in late January for the start of the next semester. In the meantime, I have no lack of reading to do, papers to deconstruct, and edits to do. No, it’s not required for class credits or whatnot, but that’s the thing about this doctoral program: once you’re hooked, your research is always in the back of your mind and you want to pursue it.

So if you’ll excuse me, I’m going to pour some eggnog, grab a sugar cookie or two, and sit down with a paper next to the fireplace. Happy Holidays! 🎄⛄❄️🕎